Almost two weeks on the wagon

I was nervous going to the Y this morning to meet with Jackie, my trainer, for the second time. The past two days of full-body pain made me start to wonder if I could keep up this schedule. I have two jobs, two dogs, a big house to take care of ... I have to be able to function. I have to be able to at least climb the stairs in my house and at the paper.
I was very pleasantly surprised. Today went very well, I thought. I don't have full-body pains. I just feel, in the muscle groups we worked today, a sort of weighty feeling, like a pulling. But it's not horrible pain. So I'm excited about that.

I'm also excited to be near the end of the week. I can't believe almost two weeks have gone by since I've been "on the wagon." It's a good feeling! Every morning I wake up not regretting the candy or ice cream I had for dinner the night before. Because I'm not eating candy or ice cream!
I'm looking forward to my Monday weigh-in. I've been asked if I'm going to report my weight loss every week, and after thinking about it, I've decided not to. Maybe for the first couple of weeks so everyone knows that I'm making progress.

But I won't be reporting a starting weight, goal weight or total weight loss. Whenever someone says, for example, "I used to be 400 pounds! I lost 275 pounds, and I now I feel wonderful about myself." That's amazing! Good for them. But many people only think of the person pre-weightloss as being a number. She was only 400 pounds. She wasn't a whole person. Only after the weightloss do we see her as happy and confident and even worthwhile in a lot of ways. I don't feel that way at all. In many ways I'm a very happy and confident person. I like who I am. This is just one aspect of my life that needs work. So I don't want to be known as a number. I will be keeping those things between myself and my trainer.

Anyhow, I've still got another hour and 40 minutes left of gym time for the week, so maybe I'll see you there.

And the winners will be ...

It's almost Golden Globes time!! I so love Awards Season, and the Golden Globes is such a fun night. I like to make my picks early, before all the magazines and entertainment news outlets make theirs. Here's who I think will win in the big categories (bolded). My Oscar picks might be a little different, depending on who wins the globes on Sunday night.

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
a.BLACK SWAN
Protozoa Pictures & Cross Creek Pictures & Phoenix; Fox Searchlight Pictures
b.THE FIGHTER
Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media; Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media
c.INCEPTION
Warner Bros. Pictures UK LTD.; Warner Bros. Pictures
d.THE KING’S SPEECH
See-Saw Films and Bedlam Productions; The Weinstein Company
e.THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Columbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
a.HALLE BERRY, FRANKIE AND ALICE
b.NICOLE KIDMAN, RABBIT HOLE
c.JENNIFER LAWRENCE, WINTER’S BONE
d.NATALIE PORTMAN, BLACK SWAN
e.MICHELLE WILLIAMS, BLUE VALENTINE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
a.JESSE EISENBERG, THE SOCIAL NETWORK
b.COLIN FIRTH, THE KING’S SPEECH
c.JAMES FRANCO, 127 HOURS
d.RYAN GOSLING, BLUE VALENTINE
e.MARK WAHLBERG, THE FIGHTER

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a.ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Walt Disney Pictures; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
b.BURLESQUE
Screen Gems; Sony Pictures Releasing
c.THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
Antidote Films, Mandalay Vision, Gilbert Films; Focus Features
d.RED
di Bonaventura Pictures; Summit Entertainment
e.THE TOURIST
GK Films; Sony Pictures Releasing

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a.ANNETTE BENING, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
b.ANNE HATHAWAY, LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
c.ANGELINA JOLIE, THE TOURIST
d.JULIANNE MOORE, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
e.EMMA STONE, EASY A

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a.JOHNNY DEPP, ALICE IN WONDERLAND
b.JOHNNY DEPP, THE TOURIST
c.PAUL GIAMATTI, BARNEY’S VERSION
d.JAKE GYLLENHAAL, LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
e.KEVIN SPACEY, CASINO JACK

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
a.DESPICABLE ME
Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment; Universal Pictures
b.HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
DreamWorks Animation; Paramount Pictures
c.THE ILLUSIONIST
Django Films, Ciné B and France 3 Cinéma; Sony Pictures Classics
d.TANGLED
Walt Disney Animation Studios; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
e.TOY STORY 3
Disney * Pixar; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
a.AMY ADAMS,THE FIGHTER
b.HELENA BONHAM CARTER,THE KING’S SPEECH
c.MILA KUNIS,BLACK SWAN
d.MELISSA LEO,THE FIGHTER
e.JACKI WEAVER,ANIMAL KINGDOM

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
a.CHRISTIAN BALE,THE FIGHTER
b.MICHAEL DOUGLAS,WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
c.ANDREW GARFIELD,THE SOCIAL NETWORK
d.JEREMY RENNER,THE TOWN
e.GEOFFREY RUSH,THE KING’S SPEECH

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
a.DARREN ARONOFSKY,BLACK SWAN
b.DAVID FINCHER,THE SOCIAL NETWORK
c.TOM HOOPER,THE KING’S SPEECH
d.CHRISTOPHER NOLAN,INCEPTION
e.DAVID O. RUSSELL,THE FIGHTER

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
a.DANNY BOYLE, SIMON BEAUFOY,127 HOURS
b.LISA CHOLODENKO, STUART BLUMBERG,THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
c.CHRISTOPHER NOLAN,INCEPTION
d.DAVID SEIDLER,THE KING’S SPEECH
e.AARON SORKIN,THE SOCIAL NETWORK

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
a.BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)
Leverage, Closest to the Hole Productions, Sikelia Productions and Cold Front Productions, HBO Entertainment
b.DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, John Goldwyn Productions, The Colleton Company
c.THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)
CBS Television Studios
d.MAD MEN (AMC)
Lionsgate Television
e.THE WALKING DEAD (AMC)AMC

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
a.JULIANNA MARGULIES,THE GOOD WIFE
b.ELISABETH MOSS,MAD MEN
c.PIPER PERABO,COVERT AFFAIRS
d.KATEY SAGAL,SONS OF ANARCHY
e.KYRA SEDGWICK,THE Closer

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
a.STEVE BUSCEMI,BOARDWALK EMPIRE
b.BRYAN CRANSTON,BREAKING BAD
c.MICHAEL C. HALL,DEXTER
d.JON HAMM,MadMEN
e.HUGH LAURIE,HOUSE

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a.30 ROCK (NBC)
Universal Media Studios in association with Broadway Video and Little
Stranger Inc.
b.THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)
Warner Bros. Television
c.THE BIG C (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, Sony Pictures Television, Perkins Street Productions, Farm Kid, Original Film
d.GLEE (FOX)
Ryan Murphy Television, Twentieth Century Fox Television
e.MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
Twentieth Century Fox Television
f.NURSE JACKIE (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, Lionsgate Television, Jackson Group Entertainment, Madison Grain Elevator, Inc. & Delong Lumber, Caryn Mandabach Productions

BST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a.TONI COLLETTE,UNITED STATES OF TARA
b.EDIE FALCO,NURSE JACKIE
c.TINA FEY,30 ROCK
d.LAURA LINNEY,THE BIG C
e.LEA MICHELE,GLEE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
a.ALEC BALDWIN,30 ROCK
b.STEVE CARELL,THE OFFICE
c.THOMAS JANE,HUNG
d.MATTHEW MORRISON, glee
e.JIM PARSONS,THE BIG BANG THEORY

I can do this, I can do this ... I think I can do this

Well, it's day 2 of full-body muscle aches. I could barely sleep last night. Every time I extended my arms, I woke up in pain. But I was determined this morning to get back to the gym. Two or three people told me yesterday, as I was hobbling around in agony, that it actually helps to workout. Loosens up those muscles.

I got some funny looks walking into the Y, but I managed to get into the Life Center and onto the bike. I was really surprised. My muscles loosened up. The pain subsided. I felt amazing! So amazing that after 20 minutes of that I decided to give the elliptical a try. I went 25 minutes no problem (until I got kicked off by a nice man who informed me he had reserved the machine. After two weeks at the Y, I had no idea you had to reserve time on some of the machines on a white board on the wall. Woops!) So I switched to another elliptical and went for another 10 minutes.

All was fine until I climbed off the machine and made my way toward the locker room. Funny thing happens to overworked muscles that loosen up nicely during cardio. They tense up with a vengeance when you stop working them. My whole body tensed! I could barely walk again! I had to take the elevator to the lobby.

And by doing so, I had to pass the office of a friend of mine, Joe Tougas. (It's so awful running into people you know at the Y when you look absolutely awful.) There I was, going about 1 mile per hour, legs barely able to propel me forward, and he's standing in the doorway watching, big smile on his face. "Moving kind of slow there," he said.

Joe was kind enough to walk at a snail's pace with me to the lobby. We chatted about this blog, and I fretted a bit about the fact that my editor, Joe Spear, wants to run a column about this in the Sunday health and fitness section. Sort of writer's remorse, I guess. Worrying that a lot more people might pay attention to this little journey of mine. That's when he said, "Well, we'll link to it to on our site." ... Yay.

Mostly I'm kidding. The support is AWESOME. Everywhere I turn there are people asking me questions and giving me props: How’d it go today? It’ll get better. You’re doing great. Pain means you’re working hard!

It truly helps. Reinforces confidence. In the past, I’ve kept diet and exercise a secret. It’s embarrassing, and plus, I knew my long history of false starts, so declaring it to friends and family would mean having to admit when I’d failed again. The funny thing is, the public declaration is a big part of what’s keeping me motivated this time.

Still, I can’t help but be cautiously optimistic. I’ve had many moments when I was SURE this time was different. That big moment of inspiration that says “Today’s the day.” My 25th birthday. My 26th birthday, and 27th and so on. The first episode of every new season of "The Biggest Loser" for the past few years. Every January 1st since I was 16. When my mom lost all her extra weight. Exactly six months before an upcoming vacation. Then five months before, then four, then three ...

Truth is, if I’m doing this correctly, there really won’t be a day when I can declare victory. A lifestyle change means I will still be with the program years and years from now. So I guess ... one day at a time.

My body is ANGRY

I knew it would be bad this morning after eight hours of sleep, not moving the muscles I had just overworked a half-day before. But I had no idea how bad it would be.

At 6 a.m., I laid in bed, stiff from head to toe, trying to work up the nerve to put my feet on the floor. Finally, I closed my eyes, swallowed hard, threw my legs over the side and stood up ... and then yelped.

I stood there in pain, wondering how bad it would be to walk. And once again, my expectations weren’t high enough. I walked to the bathroom like I was on stilts. I tried to brace myself on the banister, but that only made the muscles in my arms cry out for mercy.

Sitting down is a whole other matter. It’s like I physically cannot do it. I get halfway and have to throw myself the rest of the way into the chair.

And then there were the 14 stairs I had to descend in order to leave the house. I tried one standing up, and I couldn’t believe how hard it was to stay upright. PAIN. It was just pain, all through my legs. I wondered if this is how I would die. Tumbling down all 14 of these stairs to my death.

So, it had to be done: I sat down and scooted my rear down every last one of those stairs. There was just no other way.

I honestly still debated this morning about whether I should push through and put my hour in at the gym. I Googled the night before about whether it’s OK to workout with sore muscles. Apparently, if you’re able to, exercising (cardio) an already overworked body doesn’t do further damage. So I was going to try it.

But then I went to the back door and saw the snow piled up and there was no way I was getting out of my driveway. So my workout time was spent shoveling and snowblowing.

Maybe that’s OK. Give myself one day to rest a bit, and I’ll make up the hour on Saturday.

So now there’s just the rest of today to face, walking around like an 80-year-old on an icy sidewalk. At least my coworkers know what I’m up to, and we can all get a good laugh out of this.

But today happens to be the first day of spring semester at MSU, where I teach editing. I wonder what those kids will think when I hobble into class today.

And I wonder how I’m going to get down the stairs to get there ...

My trainer wants me dead

I may still have conditioner in my hair. I really don't know, because I couldn't raise my arm high enough to check.

My trainer must want me dead. That can be the only explanation for what happened today at the Y.

It was my first full session with Jackie Vroman, who, despite my above statement, is quickly becoming my guru. She's sweet and encouraging, but she proved today that she's going to push me as hard as she can to help me get results.

She really did. We started with arms. At first I thought, "This is easy. Really? Just 12 bicep curls and three other arm exercises with 8-pound weights? Piece of cake." Two minutes later, I was sweating and my arms ached. That's when she said we'd be doing three sets of all four exercises.

"How? How will that be possible?" I thought.

That pattern of thinking went on for the duration of the hour, with me questioning how I would complete the task provided -- everything from lunges to these weird back kick movements -- and, for the most part, finding one last bit of energy to push through.

How hard was it? Twice I had to ask to stop because my heart was racing, pounding out of my chest. At one point I felt so light-headed I literally could not focus on the words coming out of her mouth.

Meanwhile -- as I'm face down on a weight bench, sweating onto the mat, face apple red, grunting my way through one last tricep exercise -- there are a couple of guys circling the weight room who looked like they belonged there. I laughed to myself when I imagined what they must have thought, as I laid there like sweaty roadkill.

Yes, for many reasons, today was an exercise in humility. But Jackie reassured me that strength-training gets much easier fairly quickly. And soon, 8-pound weights will seem like child's play, and I'll be able to do a ton more lunges without wanting to kill myself.

For now -- body aching absolutely everywhere, to the point of being scared to have to climb stairs -- I remain embarrassingly out of shape.

However, one piece of good news: After one week of exercise and calorie counting, I'm down seven pounds. Woo hoo!

Knowing when to ask for help

I turned 30 three weeks ago. Dear God, did I ever turn 30. ... Didn't take it well. I remember a time not so long ago when the idea of growing old was so far into the future that it wasn't even worth thinking about. I don't feel that way anymore, and it's making me seriously examine where I'm at in life, sort of letting it sink in that every day is precious and I'd better start making good use of my remaining youth.

The first thing that always comes to mind for me when self-relection kicks in is losing weight. I've been a yo-yo dieter since the age of 12. That means for the past 18 years I've been mindful of every single thing I've put into my mouth. Every Hot Tomale has been met with guilt, every Christmas cookie met with self-punishment.

I've been successful many times in losing a bunch of weight. But I've always done it by cutting calories to an unhealthy degree. I've done the 500 calorie per day diet; the eat whatever you want one day, then starve yourself every other day diet; the low-carb diet; the liquids only for two weeks diet; SlimFast; calorie counting; low-fat; low-sugar; as-much-fruit-as-you-want; etc., etc. etc. I know about every berry, every miracle pill. But what I haven't known is how to lose weight in a healthy way that is also permanent -- the dreaded phrase that all candy and cookie lovers hate to hear: lifestyle change.

So as all of this is going through my mind around my birthday, I was editing the article about Monte Meyer for Mankato Magazine. He is an MSU pastor who was 600 pounds 18 months ago and has lost 240 pounds and counting through eating right and exercising. In the article he made the decision to get help. He started working with a personal trainer, which was a big financial commitment, but one that was well worth it, he said. He also noted that he used to spend a significant amount of money on take-out, anyway, so now that money is being channeled into the trainer.

This really made sense to me. I've always been the type of person who had the "Back off, I've got this" kind of attitude with every task or challenge. Very independent. But after 18 years of failure, it's time to admit I can't do this by myself.

Enter my personal trainer at the Y. I won't mention her name until she says it's OK, but I started meeting with her last week, and she is absolutely what I need. Our first true session isn't until Monday morning (1-9), but she's already holding me accountable and giving me goals and deadlines, all of which I need.

She took my measurements, and I had to get on the Iron Man scale, which is so cool and scary. By sending a signal through one foot that goes through your body and out the other foot, it tells you your weight, body fat percentage, bone density, metabolic age and the minimum number of calories you should be consuming. My numbers were scary, but none more than my metabolic age. I won't give you an exact number (in fact, you won't be getting many numbers out of me at all!) but it was higher than my chronological age, that's for sure.

I considered day 1 of my journey last Monday, Jan. 3. I set my goals, did my first weigh-in, and hit the gym.
My trainer says ...
I have to workout 5 hours per week. I have to limit calories and keep a food journal. I have to drink 10 glasses of water per day. And I will meet with my trainer an hour on Mondays and Thursdays for cardio and strength-training, with cardio on my own on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays (and weekends if I don't make it to 5 hours during the week). My "last-chance workout" was today for week 1. I'm going to weigh-in every Monday morning, so I made sure to put in a full hour today.

I realize more than anything that accountability is what I've been lacking until now. I feel like I have someone to answer to now if I have a bad day. And I thought I'd broaden that sense of accountability by blogging about my journey here. Even if two or three of you check in to see if I'm sticking with it, that's a great motivator for me to keep going. And who knows, maybe I'll inspire someone the way Monte did for me. If I've learned anything the past 18 years it's that people like me are looking for any kind of motivator or inspiration to start and stick with it. It might be as small as a pair of jeans we used to fit into, or a boyfriend we want to look good for, or someone else in similar shoes who shows us it's possible.

I'm not going to lie, this is HARD. I hate exercise, and I love CANDY. Bad combination. But with help, I honestly feel like I can change my habits over the next year.

So maybe I'll see you at the gym! I'll be the one with the purple Hannah Montana water bottle (inside joke) and a look on my face like I'm barely clinging to life.

Ms. Mankato about (pretty) volunteerism

Natalie Davis was crowned Miss Mankato on Saturday. One of the weird parts of that, for me, is that I actually had a hand in crowning her. Anyone who knows me is having one of those "really?" moments right now. I'm not a beauty queen. I'm plain spoken, plain dressed, plain everything! So at first, it was quite strange for me to be there as a judge. But I have to say, I was surprised by what I learned.

Many of those girls were passionate about volunteerism and charity. It's not a requirement that the contestants be from Mankato or even go to school here, so some were new to the community. Yet, they had taken the time to set up appointments with various non-profits and other organizations so they could talk about their platforms and spread the word about the causes they were passionate about.

Certainly there were swimsuits and perfect hair-dos and high heels and pretty gowns. It's a pageant, and as many girls said, Ms. America is a business and they need a face on that business that can attract positive attention. But it was also about community and charity, and I was glad to see that.

Davis certainly had the whole package. She's beautiful, and she sang the highest operatic notes I've ever heard -- in person, at least. And she was also passionate about autism awareness. Having a brother with Asperger's instilled in her a drive to raise awareness about the disorder, and she has been doing a great job of it for years. Any organization in Mankato who receives a visit from Davis will certainly learn a lot.

Here's a bit more from Davis' website:

Natalie Davis is the current Miss Mankato. As an aspiring Miss Minnesota and Miss America (and of course, as a loving big sister), Natalie is dedicated to increasing awareness of Autism Spectrum Disorders in order to help her brother Trevor and others diagnosed with the disorder survive and thrive in today's society.

Natalie also works on behalf of the Miss America national platform, Children's Miracle Network (CMN), which raises money for children's hospitals across the nation. Gillette Children's Hospital, Minnesota's CMN hospital, is an happy place for kids to be during what could be a very tough hospital stay.

In addition to doing volunteer work, Natalie enjoys emceeing events, acting, modeling, and singing as both a soloist and as a member of the St. Olaf College Chapel Choir. She is looking forward to her third year at St. Olaf College, where she is majoring in Chemistry with concentrations in Education and Biomedical Studies.